The Fight Response in Relationships: Why Some People Start Arguments Just to Feel in Control
Ever been in a relationship where someone seems to start fights out of nowhere, like things are calm, and suddenly you’re in round 5 of an emotional boxing match?
It might not be about what you said or did. Sometimes, it’s about control. Or more specifically, the fear of losing it.
Let’s talk about the “fight response” and how it sneaks into relationships in the most unexpected (and honestly, frustrating) ways.
😤 What Even Is the Fight Response?
Think of it like this: Our brains are still kind of stuck in caveman times. Back then, if you sensed a threat — like a wild animal or an enemy — your body would either fight, run, freeze, or fawn (basically, people-please your way out of danger).
In today’s world, we don’t face wild animals (hopefully), but our brains still react to emotional threats the same way.
In relationships, “threat” can look like:
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Feeling ignored
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Fear of rejection
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Not being heard
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Losing control
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Feeling vulnerable
For some people, when these feelings come up — bam — the fight response kicks in. And what does that look like? Starting arguments. Getting loud. Blaming. Bringing up old stuff. Picking on small things. All of it might be less about the actual issue and more about regaining power.
🧠 So… Why Start Fights to Feel in Control?
Control gives people a sense of safety. And safety is a big deal, especially for someone who’s been through chaos, trauma, or emotional neglect in the past.
Here’s what might be going on deep down:
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“If I get angry first, I won’t get hurt.”
Anger becomes armor. It keeps the person from feeling exposed or abandoned. -
“If I push you away, I stay in charge of how close you get.”
This is a protection move, especially for those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles. -
“Fighting means you care.”
For some, arguing is a twisted form of connection. If there’s silence, they panic. -
“If I control the conversation, I control the relationship.”
Yep. It’s a power play — often unconscious, but still real.
🚩 What It Looks Like in Real Life
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They nitpick something small when things are going too well.
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They escalate tiny issues into big ones.
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They push your buttons to get a reaction.
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They don’t really want a solution — they want to feel in control.
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They seem calmer after the fight, like the tension’s off their chest.
🫣 It’s Not Always About You
If you’re on the receiving end of this, it’s easy to feel like you’re the problem. But a lot of times, it’s about what’s going on inside them — not between the two of you.
This doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. But it helps to know that the root isn’t always the fight itself — it’s the fear underneath.
💬 How to Deal (Without Starting WWIII)
If you're the one who tends to start fights:
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Pause. Ask yourself: “What am I really feeling right now — powerless, scared, unseen?”
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Practice naming your emotions before acting on them.
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Try saying something like: “I feel out of control right now, and it’s making me want to argue. Can we talk instead?”
If you’re on the receiving end:
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Don’t match the energy. Stay calm (I know, easier said than done).
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Set boundaries — it's okay to say, “Let’s talk when we’re both calmer.”
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Try to understand the fear behind the fight, but don’t excuse disrespect.
Fighting isn’t always about the issue at hand. Sometimes, it’s a survival strategy. A messy, emotionally exhausting one — but still a strategy.
The goal isn’t to avoid conflict altogether, but to understand it. When we do, we can choose connection over control — and that’s where real safety begins.
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