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Microaggressions in Relationships: The Small Digs That Hurt Big

     Have you ever had your partner say something that felt like a tiny sting? Something like, “You’re overreacting,” or “That’s such a typical thing for you to do.” Maybe it wasn’t a big fight, but it left you feeling...off.

These little moments are called microaggressions—small, subtle comments or actions that might not seem like a big deal but can slowly damage a relationship over time. Let’s dive into what they are, why they happen, and how to deal with them without turning things into a drama fest.



What Are Microaggressions in Relationships?

Microaggressions are those small digs or dismissive remarks that chip away at your confidence or feelings. They’re not always intentional, but they can hurt just the same.

For example:

  • “You always forget things. It’s just who you are, I guess.”
  • “Why are you being so dramatic? Relax.”
  • “Are you really going to wear that? It’s just...not your usual style.”

On the surface, these may seem harmless, but they often carry a hidden message like “You’re careless,” “Your feelings don’t matter,” or “You’re not good enough.”



How Microaggressions Show Up

  1. Teasing Disguised as Humor

    • “Wow, took you long enough to figure that out.”
      It’s framed as a joke, but it feels like a jab at your intelligence.

  2. Stereotyping Your Partner

    • “You’re a guy; you wouldn’t understand.”
      Or “All women are so emotional.”
      These statements box your partner into a stereotype, making them feel unseen.

  3. Minimizing Emotions

    • “It’s not that big of a deal. Why are you so upset?”
      This makes the other person feel like their emotions aren’t valid.

  4. Subtle Critiques

    • “I’ll do it myself; you always take forever.”
      It sounds practical, but it implies that your partner isn’t capable.

Why Do Microaggressions Hurt?

Imagine someone gently tapping your shoulder all day—it’s not a punch, but it’s annoying and eventually painful. Microaggressions work the same way. They might not seem like a big deal at first, but over time, they can lead to:

  • Feeling Unimportant: Constantly being dismissed or teased can make someone feel invisible or undervalued.
  • Self-Doubt: Small comments about intelligence or abilities can lead to insecurity.
  • Resentment: When these moments add up, they can create emotional walls between you and your partner.


Why Do We Commit Microaggressions?

Most of the time, microaggressions aren’t intentional. They might happen because:

  • We’ve picked up bad habits from past relationships or family dynamics.
  • We’re not great at handling our own emotions, so we dismiss others’.
  • We don’t realize how much words and actions can hurt.

For example, someone who grew up hearing “Stop crying; it’s not a big deal” might unconsciously say the same thing to their partner, not realizing it feels dismissive.

How to Spot and Stop Microaggressions

If you’re wondering whether microaggressions are sneaking into your relationship, here’s what to do:

  1. Pause and Reflect

    • Ask yourself, Would I feel hurt if someone said this to me?
    • Example: Instead of saying, “You’re always late,” try, “I appreciate when you make an effort to be on time—it means a lot to me.”

  2. Listen to Your Partner

    • If they tell you, “That comment upset me,” don’t dismiss it with, “You’re too sensitive.” Instead, say, “I didn’t realize—thank you for telling me.”

  3. Use “I” Statements

    • Example: Instead of saying, “You’re so bad at planning,” try, “I feel stressed when plans are last-minute. Can we work on this together?”

  4. Check In Regularly

    • Ask your partner, “Is there anything I say or do that hurts you without me realizing?”

How to Handle Microaggressions from Your Partner

If you’re on the receiving end, here’s how to address it without starting a fight:

  • Speak Up Calmly:
    • Example: “When you said I was overreacting, it made me feel like my feelings weren’t valid. Can we talk about that?”
  • Be Specific:
    • Instead of saying, “You’re always rude,” try, “Yesterday, when you interrupted me, I felt disrespected.”
  • Set Boundaries:
    • If certain comments keep coming up, gently remind your partner: “I’ve shared how this makes me feel, and I need us to work on it.”

Turning Things Around

Microaggressions don’t have to be relationship deal-breakers. With a little effort, you can use these moments as opportunities to grow closer:

  • Replace the digs with genuine compliments.
    • Instead of, “You never clean up properly,” say, “Thanks for helping with the dishes—it means a lot.”
  • Celebrate each other’s efforts.
    • If your partner listens and makes changes, acknowledge it: “I noticed you’ve been more mindful of what you say. I really appreciate that.”

Relationships thrive on kindness, patience, and understanding. While microaggressions may feel small, they can add up to big hurt if left unchecked. But with open communication and a little self-awareness, you can replace those small digs with small acts of love—and trust me, they go a long way. So, what do you think? Have you experienced microaggressions in your relationships, or maybe you’ve realized you’ve been saying some of these things yourself? 

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